Swine flu. Run for my life!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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