I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
