he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
