Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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