if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
