Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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