I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
