I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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