I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
