paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
