oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
