We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
