yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
