Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
