I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
