He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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