listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
