I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
