you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
