that's an acceptable place to lick
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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