I will die if light touches me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
