Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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