I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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