I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
someone owes me an orgasm
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Less talking, more tequila
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
