Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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