I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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