that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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