glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
