Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
