Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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