He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You took a bar mat shot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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