Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
