I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
