pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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