ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
