I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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