the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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