if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
