Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
as a side note pls kill me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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