Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
