there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Semen is not good for contacts.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
