haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
