i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
