I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
