is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
