im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
