This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just gift wrapped bread.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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