Where did you get a picture of my penis
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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