Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
