I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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