I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
