I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
