My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
