I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
